I took my advertising classes at University of South Florida’s Zimmerman Advertising Program and one of our assignments was to go to MiamiAdSchool.com and choose a submission project for possible application to the program.

I chose to write my own “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.” For those of you unfamiliar with the former SNL hit skit, go to deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com to get an idea of what it is all about.

I must have written about a thousand of them and most were terrible. But then I went back and read some of Handey’s and realized that not all of his are laugh-out-loud-funny. So that made me feel a little better about mine and it was easier to pick out the irreverent ones that still fit the Deep Thoughts style. Sometimes it’s just about playing with people’s assumptions. There might be a little bit of Mitch Hedberg influence in there too. Special thanks to Lacey Mason for inspiring the last one.

And without further ado, some of my better “Deep Thoughts.” Feel free to share some of your favorites from the classic Jack Handey or post some of your own creation!

They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. I think that God might be a burglar.

I was once inspired to take action by a local news special on hurricane preparedness.
The anchorwoman said, “We’ll show you how to prevent this from happening to you.” And then she smashed a pane of glass with a baseball bat.
I think the best way to prevent that from happening is to punch that bitch in the face and take her bat away.

On someone’s birthday they get spankings for every year that they have lived. But I think we should be smacking the parents. I mean, c’mon, it’s their fault.

Sometimes I look at the other people on the bus and wonder who they are and where they are going.
Or what they would look like as Muppets.
Then I pretend that I am their guest star.

My friend Johnny once asked me why I carry around an old rabbit’s foot. I told him that it was for luck.
He said, “You know who else carries around body parts for luck? Serial killers.”
I’m pretty sure that if Johnny were gone, that no one would miss him.

A great way to prevent identity theft is to just write the word “poop” on all of your important documents.
That way, when a thief is looking to take your stuff, he sees the label and thinks, “Poop? I do NOT want that.”